You're feeling it all wrong

I’ve spent most of my life thinking I was doing the "feeling" part of emotions wrong. Today, I realized something that changed everything.

I’ve been feeling depressed the last few days. Truthfully, it’s the last few weeks. And if I’m really honest, it’s probably the last few months. It feels like a constant thing I’ve been carrying for a while now. It’s probably why my shoulder constantly hurts.

I was journaling this morning and writing about how I hate feeling sad, or hopeless—feeling negative in any way, really. I hate how bad all of that shit feels. And yet I know I’m supposed to feel it, right?

I was journaling away, chastising myself for not feeling the negative feelings better. Not allowing them to be felt, instead of feeling like I’m resisting them, trying to get back to happiness.

Back to the place where it’s all sunshine and rainbows.

In the process of this self-flagellation for my inability to properly feel, it dawned on me that I’ve always felt this way when it comes to feeling bad.

My whole life, I’ve felt like I’m doing it wrong.

Anytime I feel sad, upset, lonely, worthless—you name it—I’ve always felt like I’m doing the feeling part of it all wrong.

Like somehow there’s this special way I’m supposed to be feeling those negative emotions, and the way I do feel them is wrong.

I don’t mean I’m wrong for feeling them—it’s more like there’s a right way to feel negative emotions, and I’m not doing it.

I’m doing it in a way that only perpetuates the bad shit and prolongs the happy, positive emotions from being able to get in.

I’m doing it in the way that doesn’t really benefit me. Like somehow there’s a magical way to feel shitty that’s supposed to serve the greater good—that is, my nervous system and life in general.

I’m 44 years old, and somehow I’ve gotten through life this entire time thinking that I’m doing it wrong.

Well, I can tell you—that’s bullshit.

I realized this morning, about three-quarters of the way down the page of my journal, that I have been feeling negative emotions right my entire life.

You know how I know this?

It’s because they feel like shit.

I feel like shit.

I don’t feel good. I don’t feel happy.

I don’t feel like everything’s going to be okay and “this too shall pass” BS.

It feels like shit. I feel miserable, hopeless, and depressed.

Which, by my summation at this point in time, is exactly how negative emotions should feel.

So, turns out—I’ve been doing it right all along.

When this epiphame came to me, I was elated.

I wanted to go back in time and grab my depressed ass by the shoulders and scream from the top of my lungs:

“You’re doing it right!”

I know I have subconscious programs running my life—my nervous system, my thoughts, my actions, my feelings, my, my, my... the list goes on.

But the program about doing the feelings part of feelings wrong is one I finally saw this morning.

Once I glimpsed that weaselly bastard hiding in the darkness, I grabbed it by the tail and pulled it out into the light.

I’m no longer moving forward in my life thinking that I’m feeling wrong.

I’m feeling whatever the hell I’m feeling—and however I’m doing the feeling part of those feelings is right.

I’m doing it all right.

Much love,

Craig